(this was written in January)
The past few days have been very difficult for me. Maybe difficult isn’t the right word for all of this because technically life has not been hard at all, but things have just been strange, very strange. I do not feel alive. I do not know myself. It is all very strange. I am human yet I don’t know if I am.
I started reading a manga called Parasyte a few days ago, it’s a Japanese horror sci-fi series spanning from the 1980s to the 1990s about alien-like parasites that come to earth and take control of human bodies with the single goal of eliminating the human species.
Throughout the series I kept wondering how it would feel to be a human that was overtaken by a parasite, to be alive without your consciousness. Would it be so different to what I am feeling now?
I’ve been feeling very detached from myself and it’s mostly because my brain has been being very violent as of late. The only thing my brain seems to want to conjure up is pain; this menagerie of failures, of faults, of hurt and in all of them I am the oppressor, I am the one who attacks. Bloody trophies line the shelves, congrats self, you’re a really terrible piece of shit! Then I start to wonder if that’s all I’ll ever be, just this bad shitty person. Like here is the thing, I get it, guilt is normal and human relationships are tough but ugh it’s all so ugh so I’ve been sticking to disassociating.
and I apologize this is probably not the shit to be putting in a newsletter and not the shit y’all want to hear about but what else to write about but the odd condition of my brain right now! In other life updates I made banana bread and it was really good. It is a muffin recipe that I bread-ified so it did take like over an hour for it to cook and it did come out a little burnt… but I don’t have central heating in my apartment so I didn’t mind the extra heat coming from the oven. However I do keep hearing about gas poisoning from stoves and stuff… I mean pick ur battles i guess!
I also got new swim goggles.
And I ate this crème brûlée crepe.
And that’s really about it for updates! I must say this form of communication is still pretty new to me. In my head I am pretending I am talking to them:
and they’re saying the newsletter is shit! Tough crowd!