How to prepare for battle
Just in this past hour I have been in 6 different fights, victorious in each one. I am proudly riding back home with the enemy’s slain head in my arms as a prize. I want to be the hero at least in my own daydreams.
I am all worked up now, fists clenched, mouth dry from yelling profanities in the mirror. Technically there is no battle, there is actually barely an issue but I am a cannon ready to burst and I think I can taste the blood in my ears.
It all started when you looked at me, your eyelids half heavy at the thought of taking me in. I imagine I am sweet in your eyes, I bet I melt like cotton candy in your mouth. I can taste the bile coming up my throat as I swallow razors hoping that they cut me open.
You tell me to text you, you tell me to call you, you tell me I’m cute, you tell me my boyfriend is lucky, you tell me you like me, you tell me your lonely, you tell me you want me. Your words put hands on my neck and the way you keep going I think you want me dead.
In one of the fights, you try to attack me. In one of the imaginary fights, I fight back.
Knife in hand I slit your throat. I can see your eyes fill with panic as you feel blade go through your skin, I wonder if I am still sweet in your eyes. And as you gasp for your last breaths of air I try to think of something to say to you, something victorious, but what escapes my mouth is an all too familiar desperate plea for you to stop and that brings me back to reality, because then it all becomes a little too real.
I know that somewhere inside me there is a version of me who is strong. Not the strong people tell me that I am when I tell them what I endured but a strong in which I am able to protect myself so I no longer have to nurse battle wounds alone.
One day I will have fought enough battles to finally win.